S8W4/5: mini identiy breakdown (6-5-23)

 Howdy Howdy!

I want to say I love you all. I have been out for almost a year. I miss a lot of you daily. When I left for my mission, I had to leave the people I love. I am so proud of you all, and I hope you all have another awesome year. 

HEAT

Did you all know that I was actually called to serve in two missions? One is sweet old Gilbert Arizona, and the other one is Heck. Heck is where we serve from June to October. 

This week actually hasn't been too bad. We got to have some fun bike rides and teach some people about Jesus. I have enjoyed it a lot. 

ANOTHER CHARITY AND FORGIVENESS RANT I AM SO SORRY YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ THE WHOLE THING I AM JUST TRYING TO GET SOME THOUGHTS OUT. 

 I had a mini identiy breakdown Wednesday night, and as one does during an Identy crisis, it is staying up very late journaling about it.  

We met with some very sweet christians who were concerned about how they could correctly mediate christlike love to their child without messing their child up. How can one betray christlike love? It was a very long philospehical conversation. I brought up that I had struggled to feel God's love for 3-5 months. That I knew He loved me, but I was just so numb. The father asked what changed, and I honestly have no idea. He asked if I struggle to feel God's love now. 

How can I feel God's love if I have distain in my heart for another one of his children? How can I feel God's love if I am demanding myself to be perfect now? How can I feel God's love if the very same thing that I hate about others is what I am struggling with too? 

I worried that I do not have enough charity in my heart. I was talking to God a week ago and telling him, "You are my father!" As to say you are supposed to love me and take care of me. "Heavenly Father, you are my Father!" 

Just then, they asked me to roleplay someone being taught about how Heavenly Father loves them and cares of them. 

I am supposed to forgive to be able to learn. Forgive myself for the little mistakes I make daily. I am supposed to forgive others so I can love them. Forgiving is part of the learning process. 

In the chosen, the women at the well had left a guy 7 years ago who loved her because she didn't feel worthy of his love. I was so upset by that. "She needs to go back and find him!" The member we were watching this with said "No. " There was a time and place, and now there is a different time and a place. We can not go back and try to fix everything like nothing happened. We heal, we forgive and seek forgiveness. I was like, "Oh dang," 

Jesus Christ is the law of justice and mercy. He fufills the law perfectly. He heals us and everything else, perfectly. For that to happens, it needs to be in His time, and we need to accept and act upon his love. We need to learn, love, and forgive. He is the Highpriest of Good Things to Come. 

Okay! Sorry for none of this being super spellchecked. Forgive me (get it? hahaha)

your favorite Arizona missionary,

Sister Martin

P.S. I got a guitar, and we are going to try to learn. I'm super excited but also feel very brain empty